Tuesday, 14 April 2015

A Day in the Life of A Writer

Being a writer can be pretty difficult at times, especially when you can’t think of anything new to write.  Also, you’re often holed up in dark rooms or cramped studies trying desperately to think of the ‘next best thing’.  You science junkies and mathematicians have it easy! Either it is right, or it’s wrong, and if you leave it and come back later – not much has changed.  Writers have to pull a whole story out of their assholes and then let other’s read it!  And there are endless possibilities of how to write a story and what to write about.  Trust me.    

So, for those of you procrastinating from whatever it is you should be doing – here is a short insight into the day in the life of a writer, because, well, I can’t think of anything else to write. 
Firstly, begin the day with a cup of coffee (pretty standard for anyone, right?) but essential, nonetheless.

Also, make sure you own a cat.  Or at least a pet of some description, but usually a cat.  Then, get annoyed at said cat when said cat tries to eat your breakfast, walks all over your notes, pens, pencils and laptop.  Waste some time dealing with said cat in the form of picking it up several times, feeding it, and eventually putting it outside.  Then, eat your breakfast in peace (or what’s left of it anyway).     

Open up a word document and write the name of the assignment or piece of writing.  If you don’t know what the name is just yet, simply write “New piece” or “Writing” and save it, so at least the skeleton is there.  It’s the thought that counts, right? 

Decide you’ve done some good work (*cough* denial *cough*) and make yourself another coffee.

Play a musical instrument. Or at least try, even if you can’t.  Learn the rap section of any rap song if you have to.  Literally, anything will do.  Sing the theme song of a television show, or burst into a classic Lizzie-McGuire-movie-number and realise you’re way too distracted to start writing just yet.     

Do all the chores you would never otherwise do because that’s a good enough excuse not to write.

Make another coffee even though you feel sick from the last one.

Eat multigrain toast (because you’re trying to be ‘healthy’ with a little vegemite and way too much butter.  (But not before standing next to the toaster with your arms crossed waiting for it to pop up instead of doing something productive).  I mean, you can’t possibly have been doing anything else – you were waiting for the toaster!

Watch an episode of your favourite television show.  Convince yourself the dialogue and characters are part of your work because you’re drawing ‘inspiration’ from them.    

Set up all your stuff in an area you think will be peaceful and be ready to do work.  Check Facebook instead. Then play the latest app that’s hot.   It went from Doodle Jump, to Words with Friends, to Draw Something, to Flappy Bird and I think people aren’t quite sick of Trivia Crack just yet. 

Contemplate going for a swim, or a walk, or pretty much any other physical activity.  End up taking a nap instead because it’s all too much.

Wake up from the nap unsure of what year you’re in.  Have a shower.

Settle back into your writer’s spot and attempt to write.  Write a small paragraph of crap that you’re not sure you will really use, but is better than writing nothing. 

Flip through your writer’s journals. Waste plenty of time reading every single thing you’ve written in the past in the hope that something will be good enough to work on.  It’s not.  But hey, you practically did some work by reading through it all, so take a break.

After yet another ‘well deserved break’, spend some time organising your study planner.  Use lots of highlighters, and write things like ‘work on assignment 3 for unit blah, blah’, knowing full well you’re probably not going to end up working on it at all. 

And lastly, write something completely different to what you’re supposed to be writing so you feel accomplished.


Thursday, 9 April 2015

The Best Way to Eat Your Easter Chocolate

Well, that time of year has come around again.  It is the days after Easter, and your baskets of chocolate have only slightly diminished.  There’s still stacks of it left, making damn sure you remain somewhat shy of “bikini body ready” for next summer.   If you’re unsure whether to eat it all in one go, throw it out, give it away, or savour it for the next few years due to the worlds ‘diminishing supply of cocoa’, I have some advice for you. 

I present here before me, the best way to eat your Easter chocolate.

I aim for, ‘eat as much as you can until you feel sick’.  Let’s be real, everyone looks at a giant chocolate bunny and thinks “hell yeah I can eat that all in one sitting”, gotten halfway through and realised that no, no you can’t.  But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.    

Think about it.  No one wants chocolate hanging around for months – you’ll never get into shape and if you keep eating a little bit every day, it feels as though it'll never end! No, you don’t drag the process out.  You need to eat it as quickly as you can.  This way, it’s all gone, and you physically cannot eat anymore because a). you’ll throw up, and  b). there’s none left.  Perfect!

On that note, you should eat the crappy chocolate first.  Got those cheap, shitty rip-off eggs that are usually in that turquoise blue or gold wrapping and sometimes psych you because they turn out to be white chocolate and not milk?  Yeah, gobble them up first.  There’s nothing worse than realising the last little bit of chocolate you have left is something shit. 

Next, eat all the tiny little boring Cadbury eggs, and the hollow ones a size up from that.  Save anything with popping candy (my god marvellous creations did well this year didn’t they?) and any special eggs such as the Maltese, Caramel or Turkish delight ones.  Yummo!

The things you want to leave until last are your Humpty Dumpty eggs, Lindtt bunnies and any other delicious large chocolatey items that are your favourites.  You’ve eaten through a shit-tonne of chocolate to get to these babies – make them count.   

Another tip I have for you, – and this one’s a real gem – only works when you’re eating a large hollow chocolate egg or bunny. 

Now we all know that a glass of milk after some chocolate is brilliant. Right? We all know this.  Nobody speaks about it, but it is a known common fact.  Polished off a mountain of chocolate? Have a glass of milk.  Done.  No questions asked. 

Now what I propose you do here is what I like to call ‘a spot of genius’.  

First, eat half or a portion of the hollow chocolate, and then make your way to the fridge.  Select the carton of milk.  Pour said milk into the chocolate.  Yes, into the chocolate.  If you ate it right, you should have a cup or bowl-like body of chocolate. Once filled with milk, your chocolate suddenly becomes a cup or makeshift glass. YOUR CHOCOLATE IS HOUSING YOUR MILK.  You can now drink the milky goodness AS YOU EAT YOUR CHOCOLATE.  Seriously, try this, it’s like the best thing ever.   Also, no dishes. 

You now have all the material you need to chomp through that chocolate mountain. 
You’re welcome :)  Make me proud!


Big fat chocolate-eating mess.